Thursday, August 14, 2003

*... which one of these doesn't belong? ...*
I hardly realized the effect that my white face had 'round these parts before, but now I'm getting the picture. Literally. I seemed to have moved in with a part of the papparazzi, and every day I get presented a new folder of pictures that were taken without my knowing, of me doing quite normal things. But the Hikosawa family isn't used to having a gaijin around, so they are fascinated. They even had a party for me, where I got to be the center of attention whether I wanted to or not. I also had to get used to the constant camera flashes and camera-installed cell phones taking pictures of me at every turn. At least the 82 year old grandfather was entertaining, even if he was trying to get me drunk. That crazy O-papa-san!
10:46 PM

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

*... japanese-napped! ...*
in my very deliberate effort to waste time before getting on the plane ride home, coupled with the fact that I don't want to stay in a hotel and my other options are limited, I agreed to stay with my friend Marika for a couple of days before heading out of Niigata. All of a sudden I have become like an exchange student of sorts. It is strange to have lived quite independently in this country for a year, and then be treated like a guest, brand-new to everything. They are so taking care of me that it is a little difficult to shelve my independence. I am having to learn how to enjoy being taken care of. Yesterday her family took me sightseeing around Niigata a bit, and her father keeps buying things for me. They are taking care of my transportation out of Niigata (it happens to be that the bus I was planning on taking just isn't running on the day I want to go) by pretty much taking me halfway to Tokyo. They are figuring out what to do with my luggage so I don't have to worry about taking it to my R&R Manila trip. Marika and Sakai and Nakano keep taking me out to meals and not letting me pay.

Not that I'm complaining. But it is taking a very concious effort on my part to be in the role of guest and not local. And that's harder than you may think. Also, I have had to say some major goodbyes in the past couple of days, and it's pretty rough. Endearing sometimes, though, when it comes to people like Sakai who are really surprised because I'm the first gaijin they have ever known, and lo and behold, I'm actually a decent person! Again I feel the weight of representing every non-Japanese person... hope I did the job okay.

((By the way, not sure what my access will be for a long while, so if you don't hear from me, don't worry. I'm in good hands.))
2:05 PM

Sunday, August 10, 2003

*... the question on everyone's mind ...*
There has been a subtle shift in the big question everyone keeps asking me. As my departure is now quite imminent, people have stopped asking "Buritto-san, itsuka kaeru?" (when are you leaving?) to "Buritto-san, are you happy to go home?" (why they have to ask the first question in Japanese and the second in English must be another facet of that wily Japanese Way). And as definite of a question it is, I can't answer them in definite terms. I am definitely looking forward to being home. For some reason, I think that a lot of gray areas in my head will be cleared up once I get back to that head-clearing, though sometimes headache-inducing air of San Diego. At least I hope they clear up, because if they don't, then I'll be at a total loss of how to figure some things out. And that ain't good. But I am at the same time quite sad to be leaving certain things and people (mostly people) behind. Last night was my farewell get-together with the ShinKenKan folks, and i was quite pleasantly surprised that I was able to pull a 14-person party for it. They tokd me to remember them and to remember Niigata, and I told them "definitely!" to the first (there are parts of Niigata I would rather forget, to tell you the truth). I was able to spend the evening eating and drinking and laughing in a mix of languages that most people would be able to understand without knowing Japanese and/or English. And that is what I will miss. Tonight I have a similar "fare thee well" with Kelly, a last fling before we go our separate ways. And then I'm finished with the people who matter in Niigata.

I feel very strange about going home. I have spent a year away from anyone who knows me, and being thrown right back into that is going to be slightly jarring, I imagine. Kelly is probably the closest friend I have out here, Karin and JP are up there too. But at the same time, they don't know ME, they only know "Britt-in-Japan" me. So I've had a year of superficial friendship for no other reason than that's the best the circumstance could guarantee. But, as a very wise woman told me recently, "people change, and the relationships that matter will accomodate." Whether or not I talk to these people again, or whether or not I talk to the same people as before back home is to be determined. A bit daunting of a prospect, I think, but it should be an interesting sociolocigal observation if nothing else.
2:45 PM